In the words of Greta Garbo ‘I want to be alone’. This is a thought that I would never have had prior to having the littles. Being an extrovert I love company and have always struggled when spending too much time alone. Being alone is never something that appealed to me. Even as a child I would get bored playing on my own and invariably bothered my sister to play with me. She was totally happy playing alone and found the interruption (and lets face it – bossy booting) deeply annoying. Now though after the arrival of the four littles I do often find myself internally crying out ‘I want to be alone’. I crave time to be myself, to be alone with my thoughts and honestly some days being alone is all I really want!
When you are a mummy there is simply no possibility to be alone. Well until they are all at school, but that is still two years away for me. I have them with me 24hrs a day. Literally as one of them ends up in our bed every night. I do get time to work each week so I do get a break from the madness, but a few hours here and there (I appreciate I am lucky to have help) is not enough to reset my crazy brain. I find myself often overwhelmed by the conflicting needs of the four littles and their desire for my attention. Oh how I wish I could give everyone all of my time and truly listen to every single word, but there is only one mummy here!
I want to be alone, but oh how I miss the littles
Don’t misunderstand me I love those littles and their endless demands and tales of their lives are honestly my everything, but goodness there is just no privacy! Sometimes I just want to go to the loo alone. Sometimes I just want two minutes to think – usually about something they need, but its hard to get that space. The husband also requires attention. So even once the littles are asleep there is more talking to be done. I love to talk, as anyone who knows me will tell you (probably with a sigh of annoyance!), but even for me there is a limit! Even, I, need a break and a bit of time where I don’t have to talk or think or be responsible for keeping anyone alive.
The problem is that whenever I am not with them I miss them. I worry whenever they are not in my eye line and constantly count to four in my head. When they are not with me I feel like something is missing. You know that feeling ‘ I have forgotten something’ that’s how I feel even when the boys are at school. What a bloody loon! So you see I am torn… I want to be alone and yet this mummy hates being away from the littles – although not so much that I feel the need to share the loo seat!!
Be careful what you wish for
I wonder though if I get the chance will I just miss them all too much and just be down right lonely?
Well I am about to find out as for Christmas the husband bought me an overnight in a nice hotel just on my own. I am going to have 24hrs of peace and quiet. 24 hours of only me to look after. This is in an effort to take more care of me. Self care is vital and being alone sometimes is surely part of that. I wonder though…. Will it be as blissful as I think? I just don’t know, but I am excited and not a just a little nervous to find out. Will I even be able to go to the loo without a small person coming along for the ride? Perhaps I will scald my mouth on every cup of coffee as I never expect them to be hot when I get to them. Or maybe I will simply start talking to the walls aka Shirley Valentine. Actually maybe that’s what blogging is!?