I am not a person who loves change. As a child my mother says I would freak out at the start of every new school year as I would have a new teacher. As I grew up I found it easier to tolerate as most people do and in my professional life the workplace was always changing so I basically didn’t bat an eyelid when things started to change, but now I am a mother. I am a mother who bizarrely became afraid of things that I used to do without a thought. Anxiety has always been my partner in life, but it was something I could always talk myself out of (once that stopped being my daddy’s job). However, after having my final two children and one of them having a life threatening situation at 3 days old my very foundation was shaken and that annoying anxiety could not be shut down any longer. Fortunately I am back now to being able to talk myself in off the ledge, but I am a creature of habit more so than ever these days and I must admit rarely venture out of my comfort zone unless pushed. Change is something that once again makes me nervous whether that be change for me or change for the children. I am not sure they give a rats when they move up to a new teacher, but I get nervous for them…. Being a mother means that change is never far away. The change continues it is a parenting fact…
In our house this currently means that the twins have just done their last dance class where I attend with them and am required to dance about like a fool whilst they join in whenever they feel like it. This takes place at 9am and explains why I drink way less than I would like! Now don’t get me wrong I have been counting down the days to this point as now dancing will start at 9:45am so Saturday mornings will be way less crazy and I will just be able to drop them off and then go an grab a coffee or do a quick run for 30 mins. What time to myself on a Saturday? What is not to love? Nothing and yet it makes me nervous. I worry will they like it. Will one of them wee on the floor? If they need the loo will someone escort them? What happens if they need a poo? Apparently I am obsessed with their toilet habits, but four lots of potty training will do that to a person. Other genuine concerns are will they just cry? Will I have to stay as they are upset? Clearly that would be a shocker….
For my boys the changes are apparent every day. The littlest one is all of sudden getting a real handle on this reading and spelling malarkey and has calmed down immeasurably which is great for him in the school environment and us at home, but still I see him growing up and my heart breaks a little. He was coming up to our bed every night as he said he needed cuddles and was scared, but in the past few weeks that has almost stopped. It was annoying having him come up every night, but now I miss it a bit, but the change continues and I know it has too. The eldest will shortly be in year 3 and that is just unbelievable to me. He knows everything just in case you were wondering, but of course he does – he is 7 after all!!
Then the biggest change of all looms on the horizon… the girls will go to nursery in September and I am in equal parts looking forward to it and dreading it. The thought of them simply not being here two days a week and me being properly on my own for like 12 hours a week for the first time in 7 years is both exhilarating and slightly terrifying. I am not sure I know who I am without a child to play with. My social existence is currently built around playgroups so Lord knows what I will do or who I will be…. Yesterday we had a day out at a farm and whilst the children were all playing happily in a sandpit I started to get a bit restless as I was not being required to do anything . My husband was laughing at me as I always moan about never getting to sit down and there I had a perfect opportunity to sit down for 45 mins in the sunshine and I was desperate to move onto the next thing. I will have to get used to not having to move at 100 miles an hour all the time for fear that the second I pop to the loo someone will see what happens if they put that very small items into their mouth or whether that pen does in fact draw on the wall!! Listen I know there are a million things I can do when the girls are at nursery. Sort out this pit of a house for one thing….
and get a life of my own for another, but right now with some many changes going on it seems a bit daunting.
Change is a parenting fact. The job of a parent is essentially to put yourself out of work. To raise them to be able to be independent and stand on their own and yet that is so very hard to do. The parents instinct is just to protect them and the change as they go from being babies who just need you for everything is at once freeing and devastating. I am not sure I will be able to bear the first time that one of my children doesn’t want to cuddle me bye bye or won’t hold my hand in public, but it is coming at some point. The change continues so anxious or not I had better get my big girl pants on, take some deep breath and start accepting that cold hard parenting fact. They will always be my babies, but as I move into the next stage of my mothering journey I will have to learn that they are not babies and need me to let them grow and flourish. Ouch my poor aching heart!